Obesity crisis 'will force hospitals to use super-size MRI scanners at zoos'

[BDG]

You want harsh I could make Jimmy Carr shake his head.

MRI is a diagnostic tool. Let me save the NHS all the money it may spend sending fatties to zoos. A standard consultation should go like this:

Fatty: Hello doctor, I have been having a bit of XXX for a while now and it hurts in my XXX

Dr: OK, I think we need to do some tests

Fatty: Oh, OK, what tests

Dr: Well, first thing is, we need to test your weight, so I am going to refer you as you are so fat you will break my scales if you get on them. You can choose where you would like to go to. You can go to the local public weighbridge, the fruit and veg market or the scrap merchants...

Chunky goes off and gets weighed, comes back to Docs a couple of weeks later for a discussion of results.

Dr: Hi Roland from Grange Hill, please take a seat - no, not the chair with the arms on, you will never get out of it - oh, and sit down slowly as not to break it.

Chunk: Thanks Doc

Dr: Right, well, you came to me a few weeks ago after having had XXX that had been causing some pain for a little while, how has it been.

Chunk: Oh, you know doc, bearing up, just hope we can find out whats wrong.

Dr: Well, your test results are back, and I have spoken to the other doctors here and we conclude that you are a fat bastard that has broken XXX by being to heavy. At the end of the day, it is as plain and simple that you have caused your own problems as if you had been hitting yourself in the face with a hammer.

Chunk: Well.. well Doc, what should I do?

Dr: Do? Do? You do not have to do anything. After gorging yourself silly and disregarding the fact that for thousands of years we have seen gluttony as a sin, the welfare state is now going to take care of your every need. Your reward for a lifetime if over eating and idleness is a blank check to be cashed at the expense of the tax payer. You have whatever you like, you have earned it. How about we start with one of those electric trolley things so you can still get to Greggs and the Chippy?