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Dartmoor 5 - Where are you?
Okay ladies and not-so-gentlemen! This is the part you've all, very patiently, been waiting for. The Dartmoor Review (that sounds like a really rubbish newspaper name).
I'm out in the garden, home from a weekend's adventure (bloody long adventure!) and I'm enjoying the sun and a foot bath! Okay, maybe it's just the wife's washing bowl with a load of salt, soap, and hot water in, but it feels bloody brilliant!
Well, this will be a hell of a weird write-up. So I hope you all enjoy it.
Today's characters, myself, Danzord, MCavity, and Mc-Friend (as we'll call him. It's like a McFlurry, but friendlier).Right, that's enough of the introduction, on with our play.
The time is 7:30pm on Friday, and I've just got home from a 420 mile round trip up to Warrington for my mum's best friend's funeral. I was meant to be meeting Danzord around now, on Dartmoor. But Traffic proved to be today's reason for being late. As usual I am late. Anyone that knows me knows I always intend to be late, but either get distracted by my beautiful wife, or something shiny (I have magpie tendencies) and thus become a bit lacking in the time-keeping skill side of things. It is for this reason that SD tells me to arrive 30 minutes before he'll be somewhere. That way he only ever has to wait a max of 10 minutes for me...if I manage to turn up at all that is.
So I'm sat in my bathroom, losing weight (yes, that's right, I was doing that) and my phone rings. Danzord was in the carpark for the Tor. It was physically impossible to get there on time. I could be travelling on a beam of light, and I'd still not be on time...I was already 10 minutes late at this time.
Now standing up, and about 1 stone lighter, I set off to Dartmoor. I grabbed my BOB, slung it into my already full car, and set off.
I blooming love the drive to Dartmoor, down the motorway past Exeter. Get to the end of the motorway, panic that you can't remember which turning to take, smile because you've just stuck to the straight path. Panic because you turned off 1 mile back the time before, then smile because you recognise the steep side of the hill you're travelling beside. Then panic again because you don't recognise that petrol station...the joys of the drive. I seem to repeat this process nearly every time I go down there, and still I take a different route and arrive okay. My panic is never warranted, but always present. Like a lingering fart, it's just always there.
Okay, so after my bathroom conversation with Danzord, I know he's waiting in the carpark for me. I told him to be at the carpark in the woods, just off the road. He said he was there, and there was a wooden toilet thing in the corner. I don't remember that...must be a portapotty or something like that. So when I arrive at 9pm, in the carpark, whom should be standing there waiting for me with an unimpressed look on their face?
Nobody!
I was stood there in the carpark shouting Danzord, for about 5 minutes. I must have looked like a right nutter....more so than usual. I walk about, look at the huge sign that says "Bellever Tor Car Park". Then it dawns on me. He's gone to the Tor and set up camp. How stupid do I feel?
So I grab me gear and start heading up the hill.
Up ahead I see a torch flash. "Woo, I found him" was the first thing I thought. But then I saw a second torch? What the..."Oh wait. Danzord did saw his friend was coming. I must have just misheard. I thought he said his friend backed out. I bet that's what he said while I was in the bathroom when the signal went funny." So I keep walking and get met by another torch. "Wait a minute, Danzord doesn't have 2 friends." And then another, and another.
It wasn't Danzord at all. It was a group of kids on some leadership course thing. So I chat with them a little, then continue my voyage up to the Tor.
When I manage to get up there, I am met with a very unimpressed...NOBODY....AGAIN!!! What the hell? Where the fudge is this guy? So it made sense that he was actually at home, nice and warm. His dad was dropping him off, so clearly his dad just took him home, and he'd be coming back on the Saturday. How stupid do I feel, walking around shouting his name? Awkward. I must have sounded like a lost puppy yelping around for ages.
So I set up my tent, roll out my mat, and do my usual thing of wanting the best view when I wake up, at the expense of maybe setting up camp at the very top of the Tor (which had enough grass to put a tent peg) totally exposed to the elements. So glad my tent is ultra low profile.
I get into my 2 season sleeping bag, and get my head down, after a quick call to my wife. You have to check in with the boss!
I wake up feeling a little guilty that Danzord might still be waiting in the carpark for me. Maybe my instructions were not clear enough. Maybe he got confused with the right and left and was in the carpark on the left. That would make sense, there's a toilet block/visitor centre in that carpark. So I abandon my tent, grab my torches and waterproofs, and start heading back down the hill to the car park. It's not a small walk, for anyone whose never been there.
I get into my car and drive to the other carpark. Nothing. I get out and start looking around. Still nothing. I drive up the road about 2 miles. Still nothing. Then I drive 2 miles past the carpark in the opposite direction. Once again, nothing. Then I drive down a random road near to the carpark, that leads to a youth hostel. I get about 80% of the way down there...NOTHING. He's gone home, clearly. After spending about 20 minutes driving slowly around the middle of Dartmoor with my window down, as if I'm curb crawling for hookers, I decide to get back and go to sleep.
So I begin my second trek up the hill, to the top of the Tor. Half way up the hill, I get the living beans shaken out of me! I'm walking along, developing my night vision, and somehow managed to startle a load of horses! The burst out the trees about 10 meters infront of me, across the path, totally catching me off guard while I was thinking about how thick the fog is. I grab my torch and get ready to punch the first of this group of people in the face! If you want to mug me, I'm going to take out at least 3 of you bugge....oh you're horses. I knew that! When I realised they were horses, I was even more scared. I was chased by horses as a kid, so have a fear of them (same as I have of cows). So I kept trekking back up to the Tor calling out now and again "Hey horse." Like when guys in Alaska call out stuff to let bears know they're around and to scare them off. Stupid horses! Thankfully I had already spent some time in the bathroom earlier on, otherwise that would have surely have helped me lose weight! haha.
Back the my lovely tent and I snuggle back in for the night.
The time is 00:37. Yes that's right, it's just gone half past midnight. My wife's calling me. I pick up the phone and it seems my wife's lovely voice had changed somewhat. There were 3 voices, mine, my wife's voice, and my thoughts. This is how the conversation went:
Me: "Hi what's up?"
My thoughts: "Aww, poor thing. It's so cute she misses me so much. Can't she sleep without me?"
Wife: "Where about's are you?"
Me: "I'm on the Tor"
My thought's: "You know that huni. We've just had this conversation."
Me: "Where are you?"
My thoughts: "This'll spin her out on why I'm asking a question I know the answer to!"
'Wife': "I'm in a phone booth"
My thoughts: "WHAT THE HELL?!?! This isn't a beautiful woman I'm speaking to, it's Danzord! He's not wussed out! NICE ONE MATE, 10 points for you."
Me: "Which phone booth?"
Danzord: "The one in Postbridge."
Me: "Stay there, I'll come and get you."
Yes, you heard that right. Danzord decided to tough it out and walk around for the last 4.5 hours. Turns out I was wrong. He didn't wuss out, or wait for me in the carpark, or anything like that. He just went headless chicken for the last 4.5 hours, this guy is a total lunat....wait a minute. Where the hell am I? I got on the path and just kept walking straight. I followed the grass line on the...are you serious? I'm sure this path breaks off into another 3 routes to different places.
It's now about 00:50 on Saturday morning and I had managed to walk along the wrong path, so I just cut through the path onto the right route...which was another wrong route, which lead to another wrong route.
It got to a point where I just thought, I'm going to just cut down one of these trees, build a quick shelter, and get some sleep. If my torch battery dies, in both my torches, this could be very uncool. Danzord can just set up his sleeping bag in the phone box and I'll find him tomorrow when I can see. At least in the day time there won't be the threat of a torch battery dying, looming over my head!
After a lovely scenic walk, I managed to get back to the Tor and start the journey back to the carpark. It would seem that walking in the middle of nowhere, without a torch on for about 50% of the time, trying to enhance your night vision, while still sleepy as the letters 'zzz', without any moon light around, while the shrouding of fog hits the area, isn't always a good idea. Who knew?
So I get back to the car, collect the valiant Mr Zord, turn the car round, and head 100 meters up the road to the correct carpark, pointing out the clear sign to him on the way.
During the walk up to the Tor, my second journey up there, we chatted loads about gear and prepping and this and that, and I asked Danzord whether he had practiced putting up the tent in the dark, like I had told him to. He said he was happy he could do it, because he did it in his livingroom at home in the dark. That was evidence enough for me that I was dealing with Bear Grylls himself.
We get back to the top of the Tor (I didn't mention the issue with carrying the bag there Danzord, see how nice I'm being...oops, urm....).
I was pleased that he has toughed it out and was impressed by his stubborn attitude and determination.
Confident that he could put up the tent in the dark, I settled back into my sleeping bag, being serenaded by F-ing and Blinding coming from Danzord's direction. But I was still confident in his abilities...plus I wanted him to realise the importance of practicing. One lesson learned the hard way is 100 times better than 100 lessons never learned.
Day 1 - Over.
I wake up on Saturday (I'm so generous Danzord, I didn't say a thing about how I thought my tent was next to the elephant enclosure in the zoo, when actually it was just your snoring), to the gentle sound of a little rain.
There are few things harder than getting out of a warm sleeping bag on a cold day.
When we finally managed to get out of our tents, we popped back to the car for a quick brew up (Danzord's cooker was left in the car, so we headed down there for him), then a trek back up to the Tor (journey number 3 for me) we went for a walk over to one of the other nearby Tors. Really cool place, and we talked even more about prepping and the role of fitness and how some people make huge lists of stuff they clearly couldn't carry and things like that.
When we got to the other Tor, after a few minutes, there were 2 suspicious people hanging around near our tents. So we head back over. I was pretty confident that if they picked up any of our gear, I could catch them and get the stuff back. So we headed back down at a slightly enhanced pace. When we got back to Bellever Tor, it turned out to be MCavity and McFriend.
Awesome. The group was now here.
Back down the the cars (journey number 4) to pick up their gear, and the guys headed back up to set up their camp. I set off in my car to do a little supermarket foraging.
When I got back to the camp, everyone else had buggered off. My tent was all by itself! Danzord had packed up his tent and gone, and I was left alone. Nice one, thanks lads.
Once again I was thinking "Danzord, where the hell are you?"
But it turns out they took the sensible option of camping in a sheltered area. On the other side of the Tor, and Danzord had moved his tent over there too.
We all have a good chat and catch up. Then I get a hand from MCavity to shift my tent for me, lazy man style (where you leave everything in it and just carry the whole thing in one piece). We scoured around for a while and I opted for a nice little spot, very alone, but very well sheltered, still with amazing views. It was so good infact that when I got there next time round, it was dark skies, but the ground had heated up and when I opened the tent up, I got that feeling you get when you open an oven door, just not as extreme. A lovely blast of warmth!
While the guys chop up some rabbit (please note it was considered to be vermin where it was 'harvested' and thus is more than legal to do), I head back to the car to get Danzord some of his other gear, but also because I wanted to get some water (I completely forgot about the litre of water in the side of my BOB, and the can of Relentless in the tent)...oh and maybe to get the remaining 2 Danish pastries in the car. Journey number 5 to the car. I really should just rough it on Dartmoor like usual, but on more than one occasion at a meet, I am luxing it up!
While travelling up the Tor (6th time up, I think...lost count) I was met by a Czech guy whom seemed a little lost. I helped him with directions and got chatting. Before I knew what was happening, he had invited himself along to camp with us, and was heading down to the carpark to get his sleeping bag and bivi. How am I going to explain this to the guys?
When I get back to camp, I give Danzord his gear then explain about my new friend "Ladee" (it's pronounced the same way as a Scottish person's version of a Lad, i.e. A Lad-eeee) and his self inviting powers. Everyone seemed pretty cool about, but MCavity managed to take a chunk out of his knuckle while whittling a stick because of the distraction of the news. In true British form, his response to the blood dripping from his finger "It's just a scratch." He continued his whittling and sorted his finger out afterwards.
While we were sat around enjoying some fresh cooked food, it starts to rain, and the sky was getting dark, because it was pretty late. The rain seemed to have scared off Ladee. So we're sat around chatting and suddenly a 6 foot 2, bright yellow jacketed Czech guy turns up with a big smile on his face. With his appearance and the offering of toast and damn good English, he managed to make good company, and even complimented McFriend on his Char-Grilled Charcoal Rabbit. Which, may I saw, was brilliantly skinned and butchered (the combined efforts of Danzord and McFriend, while I was back at the car).
After some good talking and Ladee joking that we were all there because we were on a honeymoon, after the legalising of gay marriage stuff in the news, we all turned in and set ourselves off to sleep.
As it turns out, at 6am, MCavity and McFriend did MCavity's usual Houdini trick and disappeared. He did say he needed to get off early, the said he'd wake me up before they left. Truth is, they probably did, and I just didn't remember. But I woke up and packed everything up. As I was heading over, I saw Ladee and chatted away with him for a while.
Then he set off to Princetown. Nobody knows why anyone would go to that place, but he is Czech, so that would explain a lot haha.
Danzord then got a lesson in how to properly pack a tent, and we headed back to the car. This would be my final journey to the car from Bellever Tor for the whole weekend! A total of around 12 miles of walking. On the way back it's all down hill, so it's an easy walk.
Once we had packed up the car, Danzord and I decided to go on a walk to 'The Bridge' in Postbridge, and I had to walk across it. Then we walked on to the top of the nearest hill...a few miles away. The views were spectacular. Fair play to Danzord, he kept walking, even when you could clearly see the anguish in his face, like when me and MCavity watch him walking back up the hill after getting fire wood (please note that all fires were done according to the rules and we were 100% legal, as I always am!).
We rested at the top and then set off back down to the car. Our final descent.
Total mileage walked since Friday...about 20 miles.
Total mileage driven since Friday...about 630 miles.
Total number of 'Where the hell are you?' moments...countless!
All in all, for a lessons learned and conversations had, I'd say we all learned a bit, and had fun.
Next time I'll be looking at somewhere more remote and a much better fire situation. I'll even remember to bring some firewood to save whoever MCavity brings along the job of wood harvesting.
p.s. for legal reasons, if you believe any part of this to be illegal or immoral, then none of it really happened, and this whole post is just for entertainment purposes. In fact, this is all just a dream, and you're actually sat at your desk in work asleep, and you'd better wake up soon, or your boss will fire you.
Dissent is the highest form of Patriotism - Thomas Jefferson
Those who sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither - Benjamin Franklin
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