House Fire Scenario

[Straight Shooter]

I am in my office...on my then Amstrad programming a spread sheet....telephone rings i answer....its the wife...." I can hear a crackling noise in the ceiling.....and smell rubber burning ....i think there is a fire " i cut in Get out Now and wait i am on my way !...i am two miles away......out the door and gone.....road works.....i cannot turn around......i get to the turn off of my drive....there is a fire tender and firemen connecting hoses into mains...i start running the 350 yards down the drive ...i pass firemen rolling out hose...i reach the main gate....smoke and fire is coming out the roof tiles ...i renewed 2 months ago.....wife was holding our youngest daughter and both crying....other two daughters at school......firemen brought it under control within a hour ...the fault was the one electric circuit that was left (all others were renewed ) this was due to be changed when a wall was knocked out and new ceiling put up....we both salvaged some stuff to wear and kids stuff....."just imagine if this happened at night " wife said...i picked up the bunny rabbit of the youngest burnt and wet...and our wedding album.....that night was spend at my mothers and MIL ....i stood guard in my sleeping bag....the main reason was to take all this in and come up with a plan by morning as Tuesday night faded ....i was up by 5 am by 8 am Titchy,Steve ,Chris and Alan..were all on the case....By 10 am i had bought a old static caravan 32 ft....they would deliver Thursday about 11.30 am ....Alan and JCB levelled the ground , dug trenches for drainage and soil pipes....Titchy was off nicking pipes and fittings....Steve the spark was borrowing some armoured cable ......Chris was cutting trees up the drive to clear any obstructions ....me i am getting electric shower and full size loo......its now 2.30 pm Titchy is laying the pipes , Steve is rolling out the cable.... i was connecting a new cold water supply along with Chris ( who was smoking a huge joint.....see man things happen for a purpose speach.......followed by "this blue pipe is fucking awesome man ! the colour is so fucking awesome !......Alan starts back filling the trenches...Steve makes off the ends.....i pop on the stop tap ...Chris turns on....its now 7 pm we all go to the pub....eat and get rat arsed....i return to the sleeping bag about 11.30 pm the phone that,s still working ringing " where have you been ? over the pub i expect " i did try not to sound like the flower pot men BUT failed ...instead of the normal goodnight sweetheart i got YOU BASTARD TWAT !.....which was beyond me....Thursday comes....Titchy and Chris turn up with a grate of Stella, Barley wine, and whiskey....titchy says its to get chris off the wacky......its noon and the driver says " not a fucking chance boys" after two attempts ...Titchy is ex para .....as he is sitting on the bank gulping down his sixth barley wine...he gestures to the driver to come over for a chat.....there is a fucking way ! you are not focussing correctly ....so before i rip your spleen out and do it myself i will let you try once more......this chat turned the driver into an amazing determined totally focussed individual....did the job and offloaded within 25 mins.....its all hands on deck all is connected up and working....Alan turns up to see if all is okay...and brings some refreshments for the boys....more Stella,barley wine and whiskey...Chris said fuck this man...i,m skinning up your all fucking mental....we retreat to the caravan....order a takeaway.....Wife and in-laws turn up with food and cold cokes ...as she comes into the caravan we hide the booze (well we thought we did ) Chris waving his hands back and forth to hide the smell of wacky......You will have to air the caravan tomorrow she says......the fil brought BLAZING SADDLES on VHS and a player ...he set it all up and winked at me ....you will like this .......wife said can i see you a minuet .... outside....I want a smoke alarm in there in the morning ! ...i am not as green as i am cabbage looking she said.....what do you mean ?....what i mean is this.......you have more booze under that dust sheet than the pub has....its not mine!......you are a complete and utter bastard ! and a liar ...and just to top off as they are leaving the take out arrives....fucking brilliant !.....to be continued.....

---

PART 2
Friday 8.30 am the scene in the caravan was like someone had lopped a stun grenade through the window of the caravan...cartons, bottles,and Chris.....come on ! up ! the commandant will be here soon ....i have to clean up man !......" i get a kick out of you " Chris is singing....WTF come on shift it or i am total toast...he leaves...i clean up...all windows are open i am flicking OLD SPICE everywhere.....wife arrives "have you turned the gas fire on the air it " yes....." i have the bedding in the car and some jeans and stuff....lets see if we can salvage anything over the house " okay i say...we look around at the debris our home now has become..." we could not have got out.....no escape windows...no smoke alarm to alert us" she breaks down i put my arms around her.....YOU bloody stink of booze.....bastard !....(bastard has now become my first name ) we wander into the kitchen ...the smell of smoke and water underfoot....she gazes over to look at the caravan......" i thought it was a gas fire " it is....then why is there smoke coming out the chimney thing then ? " i look over .....oh fuck! ring 999......the caravan was well on the go....the firemen turn up ....i warn the of the gas bottle ......all sorted in quick order.....they were the same crew....you are having some luck boyo....if i was you i would put that fag out....we will be putting you out next !....the fire chef is on the phone to the caravan park owners who sold me the van.....he said they should get a new caravan up to site with a crew to connect all services and compensate all items lost due to them selling something not fit for purpose and no paperwork of fire safety....he might forget this oversight if done within the next 24 hrs starting right now !.....this was carried out to the letter within 14 hours !.....we move in.....after some six weeks tempers fray...a flying cup smashes when it comes into contact with my head....and yes we have two smoke alarms fitted....tested every morning making toast ! the kids are not happy other kids are saying they have now become gypsies....the wife and i are totally pissed off with the loss adjusters who appear to have all the time in the world to make it their job to fuck us about with little regard to our comfort or well being.....then a chance meeting turns our luck ( well that,s what we thought ) TO BE CONTINUED.