Personal protection

[Straight Shooter]

I have for the past few months locked myself in my workshop....working away on some prototypes for self protection , because of resent ratcheting up of of perceived dangers ......I had to do something for god sakes ....I mean no action would be foolhardy and no response would be criminal.

My first effort was the (Bullshit helmet ) made from plywood and dressed in chicken wire with a coating of aluminium foil ....well it did work for a bit wild child did the first trial ...in front of the six o clock news ! ....then things went a bit pear shaped .... lack of 360 degrees vision impaired her movement .....resulting in her crashing into the Welsh dresser and taking out a vase .....which was one of our wedding presents .....it was three weeks before she uttered a word ....and they were not sort of nice words.

was I put off ! Hell no ! I returned to the workshop undeterred , and set about project 2 with renewed vigour .....and a new concept was born ...I .. I worked like a dog and through the night .....by morning the mark 2 (Bull shit helmet was born ) ......out with the plywood ! Enter one of our motorbike helmets ......the new design looked even better and more professional.....to the whole external face of the helmet I screwed in screws every 10 mm .......I stripped out some electrical cable to get at the copper wire and proceeded to wind this around every screw in a nice lattice patern ......wild child was a be reluctant at first ....hesitant even ...but agreed to the trial because she really loves me .....stood in front of the television at the stroke of six she donned the helmet ....it’s a bit tight she said ......so a gave some assistants giving to top a little tap ....a scream rang out Arrrrrrgh my head .....I’m bleeding you stupid bas....d ....it soon became apparent that the three inch screws were a bit to long ..I offered up a instant remedy of smaller screws .....this was instantly refused out of hand .....I dressed the wounds myself ....and moved on ...as I lay awake most of that night pondering on what to try next ...listing to the rhythm of wild child complaining about her sore head ...I drifted into a totally new concept .......the following day I returned to the workshop and got stuck in ......the project 3 was born .....I will build not one but two sets of ( Bullshit Deflectors ) ....made from ear defenders I added a metal dish each side held in by three short screws both sides ...just in time as it happens for the six o clock news ....I demonstrated mine first showing wild child how to put them on .....after “you can f..k right off ! “ was got past ....she donned hers ......as we sat looking at the news ......we did not hear bongo bongo variant at all ! .....in fact any political messaging was muted .......ok we do get some double takes whist shopping in the supermarkets or driving the truck ....but hey ! ....we have been bullshit free for some weeks now ....I just wanted to share with you our success ......the latest is I am now working on a fully collapsible variant that can be sold in the pound shops so everyone can be saved and make my fortune at the same time .....yep .....living the dream ! .u