Well, I got lost in the woods on Saturday! Been to the pub (for a few hours longer than I should have) and on my return I triumphantly announced that I was going to walk the dog in the woods.
Being a naturally gifted navigator I left the map and compass (and common sense) behind.
All was going well, until about 30 minutes in I spotted a nice shaft of hazel that was perfect for a stave. Out came the new Opinel to deftly slice through the branches. PING went the Opinel, as the blade snapped off at the handle. Whizz went the handle as I chucked it in the bush in disgust. Still, out with the Boker and in no time at all I had myself a nice stick.
Off we went again. Down the hill and further into the forest. Found a spring and the start of a river , over some downed trees, then through the river as it was only ankle deep. Kept walking and walking, chasing the dog and generally having myself a good time. Found a good spot for chucking up a hammock too. After a wee while it was time to go home. This is where it all went wrong. Not sure how I managed it, but I got completely lost, couldn't find the track I made coming in, generally not good. So, I set off in the direction I thought looked like a good idea. Bad idea. The ground was becoming increasingly boggy, and more and more brambles were ripping at my uncovered legs (I was wearing shorts, not just a loin cloth) a few more steps and SPLAT, my whole right leg has vanished in mud, quickly followed by the rest of me. Using my trusty stick and the dog I managed to wriggle my way out, dislocating my shoulder in the process. Fair few minutes of cursing and wiggling to get the shoulder back in it's rightful place, then more fun and games navigating the mud/bog. Managed to lose not only my left shoe, but my fucking sock too. Recovered the shoe from about 2 feet of mud, but didn't see the sock again! The dog vanished up to his shoulders in mud, but being much more sprightly than I he was out in no time.
Anyway, scrambled up into the woods to get out of the mud and onto higher ground. The only way out I could see was over a barbed wire fence, fine for me but having dislocated my shoulder I was in no fit state to chuck a 9 stone dog over the fence. Followed the fence about 1/4 if a mile until we found a bit that wasn't barbed, hopped over and waited for the dog to climb over too. Then I realised where I was, I'd gone in one side of the woods and out the other!! 3 miles to go before I was home
Gathered some flowers for the missus on the walk back (mainly to keep her sweet - I was supposed to be cooking dinner, and said I'd only be gone for 30 minutes) - couldn't find anything edible (apart from nettles) which was a bit of a disappointment, but I was drunk, tired and cut up from the brambles so not overly bothered.
Finally got back 3 hours after I set off, minus one sock, covered in mud to my beard, bleeding profusely from both legs due to the brambles being followed by a mud monster with the head of a rottweiler, clutching a poor excuse for a bunch of flowers and a nice new stick.
Moral of the story? Don't go off into the woods (for the first time) drunk. Also, take a compass! One quick look and I would have realised that I was heading in completely the wrong direction.
Whoops
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... you old soldier you....
